All posts in Daily Life

i have a close friend who has suffered a ‘great loss’  and that is quotes for significance, not irony.  and it’s hard because my own great loss colors my reaction and i think there is something sort of PTSD is all loss, where every loss just compounds itself.  and while i can’t feel this for her, nor take it away, i feel it in some ways – though not how she does – and i remember so vividly my own loss.  and i feel it so hard, down to my core.  and i wish i impart the detachment of years, but i know that the hurt goes on.  it ebbs and flows, and it never goes away.  and i wish there was some reprieve that i could offer.

but there isn’t.  so i get drunk and watch movies about zombies.

and all i can offer is that life, in all its awesome beauty and knee-dropping tragedy – goes on.  despite whether the booze helps or not, the truth of life is “it goes on”

Whenever I am not here, I have things I want to say.  But whenever I sit down to this screen, nothing wants to come out. So, whatever, I’ll force it and it’ll be what it is.

I feel like I’m at some  crossroads and nothing is marked and where I don’t know where I’ll end up or even where I want to end up.

On one hand, I’m relatively happy living this life where I go to work and do my job and am decently good at a handful of things but have no ambitions outside of that.  But I feel like something is wrong with me for being settled and peaceful and basically lazy.

On the other hand, I want to have a passion, but I can’t find it.  I keep poking at things – blogging, crocheting, coding, reading, crafting, ad nauseam – waiting for something to ~feel right.  Maybe things don’t feel right like that. I don’t know.

You are what you choose to do, I guess.  So I need to make the choices.

I’m not sure if it’s that we finally sold our house, or that it finally seems as if spring is here to stay, or all the excellent music I’ve been listening to, or just an obscure trigger in my brain, but I feel truly excellent lately.

Yesterday evening we celebrated the actual, final sale of our house. It’s been a long, bumpy road, and I really hope the new owners are happy to have our old house. I hope it takes care of them the way it took care of us!

Today, Saturday, was so nice. I got up early and went grocery shopping, then drove home in relative traffic-free-ness, windows down listening to some old school Beastie Boys. Husband made us bacon sandwiches for lunch. After lunch we walked up to Zilker park for the SouthEast Asia New Years festival.  It was pretty disappointing – I’m not sure if we got there too early or maybe we were expecting too much.  But it was okay because it was a nice walk – but pretty warm and a little tiring.

This evening the husband and I had a few drinks together and watched Birdemic with the Rifftrax, and even with the Rifftrax, I’m not sure it was worth the two stars afforded it on imbd. But we had some good laughs, then watched some Futurama and some Farscape.  I love being a geek with my husband.

I had a fabulous time visiting my family this past weekend. My brother lives in Chicago, his oldest son in Texas, my parents in Florida, and it seems the time slips by quickly between visits. It’s rare we’re all together in the same place.

So for my oldest nephew’s spring break, we all made the trek to Mom’s house. There was epic cuteness by nieces, appropriate muttering about how tall and big my nephew has gotten, clamoring for bathroom, and all the things that make family, well, family.

I was quickly reminded of how grateful I am to not have kids, but they’re so cute and great to hand back to your childhood arch-nemesis when they’re crying, gassy, dirty, or really doing anything besides being cute and playing with their socks ;)

So yea, it was great!  So happy I went, glad to be home.  Short work-week upcoming.  Overall excellence.

* Not Pictured: Dad and me, but hey, someone had to click the ipods.

Last week, work kicked my ass.  This week started with some awesome nausea that made me not even want tacos (wtf?, really!)

But now I feel better and back on track. woo!

Really I was going to write more, but eh, I got distracted, so here you go, the one thing I got typed up in the last 5 hours, and really the most important thing in my life right now.

Our house is close to selling? I put the question mark there because omg, seriously? there are so many steps.  Imagine if you will a staircase, now imagine you are tiny, so that step is like a football field, and that each of these huge steps contains an obstacle course – that you must complete flawlessly, while running backwards – oh, and blindfolded – before proceeding to the next step.  Yea, that doesn’t do house-selling horror justice.

I don’t know why I can’t just settle down and write/blog/update. I can’t seem to feel content with any blog name or service or url or myself.

Today on the way to work, I saw a beautiful sky and listened to some Bob Dylan, and remembered some really awesome bits from my weekend with my husband.

Nothing seems to fit lately. The shoes I ordered look weird on my feet and it’s harder to change the domain on this blog than I want to think about and I feel a little like a square peg in this round-hole world.

I believe I have the official middle of stupid cold January blues. Compounded by the ‘my job isn’t new and is now steady and not as exciting’ and ‘woo, adjusting to life without meds’ blues.

I just feel like a blister, if that makes sense? (probably not, but leaving it in)

But really, it’s not all bad. And I’m convinced that by being firmly planted under the covers by 8:30pm that my body and brain are going to reset and by tomorrow morning, maybe my blues will be a nice shade of aqua.

Per our usual M.O., our celebration of the changing of the year was low-key. We toasted with some sparkling wine last night, watched some tv together, kissed at midnight, then went to bed.

Today I’ve been mostly camped out on the couch, twittering with friends and reading. I finished The City of Ember, then started to re-read Cat’s Cradle, until I remembered we just went to the library. So I picked up here comes another lesson, which is a collection of what I would describe as literary short fiction, which has actually reminded me of my love of good writing and how I need so much more of it in my life.